She Let Go – Rev. Safire Rose
She let go.
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
This is one of my favorite writings. I come back to it when life gets a bit out of control. I have also been learning a lot about control and how it can be unhealthy. I have been called a controlling person. I will admit, I do like things to go my way. In the context it was used, I felt that I was not controlling as the situation was chaotic. Most recently, actions of control have been explained to me. Actions such as nagging, providing an opinion when it is not asked for, feeling responsible for another person’s feelings and those ever so exaggerated SIGHS are all about control.
Many of these actions are displayed out of habit. As a mom, I nag my kids. I nag them because I feel I am being helpful. Trying to teach them better habits and to make better choices. In reality, nagging is more about what I want them to do for me. It is controlling. Who has not sighed out of despair when someone does not do what you want. Sighing is telling the other person, that is not what I wanted. Sighing is a form of controlling. There is an entire list of controlling habits, so many that it confirmed I am controlling. Being a controlling person leads to expectations. Expectations can often lead to disappointment. I am learning, very slowly, to let go.
When diagnosed with an illness or a chronic disease, control is taken away from the person. Many decisions are made for you, protocols are adhered to, and appointments are scheduled without considering your availability. Every couple of weeks, I found a “confidential” letter in my mailbox telling me where I was to be and for what. I was told. The control was taken away from me.
In treatment, one is scheduled and administered medication to help stop cancer from growing and spreading. There is a proven method that is effective, many of us follow the doctors advice and at times there are questions and concerns. People want to inform themselves about what is going to happen to their body. We want control. In some small way if we are knowledgeable in what is happening, we are in control. The side-effects are not in our control, but perhaps if we know they are coming, side-effects are easier to deal with.
What I have seen in the past few months, is women taking control of one very noticeable side-effect and that is hair-loss. When I lost my hair, I watched it fall out, pulled it out in tufts and then when it was mostly gone had it shaved off. The hair falling out was not something I was able to control. I knew it would happen, but it was still one of the hardest effects of treatment to manage emotionally. The expectation of maybe I will be the ONE that does not lose my hair, was a disappointment.
I have seen some amazing women that have decided to look hair-loss right in the eye and shave it before it begins to fall. They refuse to watch it fall out and lose that control. They make the appointment, set aside the time and then shave it. What I have experienced is that these women are making this decision for themselves and somehow get through it just a bit easier. It is still incredibly emotional, but there is a sense of strength. This one devastating effect, is in their control.
I suppose what this all means is that in some situations having a sense of controlling what is happening to you and your body can lead to strength. I am also learning, that at times it is more peaceful to make a personal decision, to just let go.